canada!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Turd Sandwich in Libya
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Music Video of the Day: The Strokes, "Under Cover of Darkness"

Remember that time you were at that house party in Fort Green, circa July 2001 -- you know the one; the one with the ice luge and the kiddie pool filled with ice and PBRs. And you were talking to that aloof, skinny, ethnically vague girl from Vassar with the heavy mascara and the bangs and the Gauloises in her back pocket, and the black-frame glasses that weren't even a thing back then? Remember that? You were 22, and you didn't know how to humblebrag about the fact that you were a teacher in the Bronx, and your game was just totally wack. Remember that? And maybe your best friend, his mom had just died, and you weren't able to process that shit, and maybe you were sort of in love with her, and confronting that shit was like running a lawnmower on your forehead. You know what I'm talking about, right? And then the skinny girl with the bangs stops -- abruptly -- telling you about the equestrian events she competed in when she was at Greenwich Country Day, and says maybe let's go blow rails in the bathroom, and you're trying to be cool, but you've never even seen cocaine before in your life. Remember that? No? Well, this song will transport you back to that very moment.

(Drugs are bad.)

new lows

example 1: my sister was in town over the weekend and for some inexplicable reason we decided to pick up a quick cup of coffee at mcdonald's. don't ask. anyway, this old lady with her grandson cut in front of me in line and was completely unapologetic about it.

me: you are not setting a very good example for your grandson.
her: that's not my job. [ed note: what the hell kind of an answer is that?]
me (figuring i have nothing to lose if she's not interested in teaching her grandson anything): go to hell.

end scene.

example 2: knut the adorable german polar bear died over the weekend. so sad!! i was reading this article about how people are mourning when i came across this:

Children wrote farewell poems for him, and a group of "die-hard" fans stayed all day, many of them crying. "I've been crying nonstop since I heard about his death," Ingrid Rommel told the AP.

i'm a jerk so my immediate thought was, this woman is nuts. then i moved onto the following sentence:

She said visiting Knut weekly since 2006 helped her get over her husband's death.

that is one of the saddest sentences i have ever read. i dare you to come up with something sadder.

:(

wait, i may have a winner:

Knut was raised by zookeeper Thomas Doerflein after the cub's mother rejected him. Doerflein died from a heart attack in 2008, around the same time that one of Knut's keepers warned he was becoming a "psycho" bear. Doerflein had been banned from playing with Knut because he had become an adult bear and it was too dangerous, leaving Knut sad and lonely.

:( :( :( infinity.

what language old white dudes think i speak

this guy obviously is one of the most inadvertently entertaining people i've ever worked for/with/whatever. he and i gave a presentation to a group of legal services attorneys last week. we were basically asking them to submit certain reports to us from their clients. that's not the important part. one of the attorneys in attendance asked what our language capabilities were.

partner: yes, we can speak spanish and also (petering out) oriental...

even though i was seated next to him i managed to miss this wonderfully antiquated utterance, and one of the aghast associates told me afterward. i laughed uproariously and then realized, oh wait: one, he's obviously referring to me since i'm the only person of "oriental" descent in his vicinity. two, he probably thought he was being extra aware by not referring to me as "chinese."

how old white dudes make me work hard

so the firm associates and i pulled an actual all-nighter to get our filing in on time. indeed, i entered the building at 1 p.m. and did not leave until 7 a.m. the next morning. then many of us had to attend a media event at 9 a.m.

8 a.m. email from partner: how are we doing? i'd like for us to meet today.

response from lead associate: [partner], i will be back in the office after the media event and am happy to meet with you. the team has pulled an all-nighter so to the extent this meeting can be postponed until tomorrow, we would appreciate it.

response from partner: i enthusiastically endorse sleep but i would still like to meet today.

guess who got a meeting at noon.

what old white dudes talk about in law firm elevators

alas, just as i'd imagined.

old white dude 1 to old white dude 2: "so how is GM doing this morning?"

Happy Birthday to Me

On Saturday, a bunch of people are going to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. I am just that kind of guy. What kind of guy? Loved. I am just loved. By people. By people with birthday calendars in their Facebook and two seconds to spare. But, here's the thing. They don't need to wish me happy birthday. My birthday happiness is preordained.

GALIFIANAKIS BACK ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.