remakes that aren't remakes

yeah ok, so i've seen the poster of "karate kid" starring son of will smith jaden and jackie chan. i just assumed that jackie chan was cast as a japanese man. chinese, japanese--not going to quibble here about details. also, jaden smith was a cute little kid.

then someone told me to read the imdb plot summary of this movie:

12-year-old Dre Parker could've been the most popular kid in Detroit, but his mother's latest career move has landed him in China. Dre immediately falls for his classmate Mei Ying - and the feeling is mutual - but cultural differences make such a friendship impossible. Even worse, Dre's feelings make an enemy of the class bully, Cheng. In the land of kung fu, Dre knows only a little karate, and Cheng puts "the karate kid" on the floor with ease. With no friends in a strange land, Dre has nowhere to turn but maintenance man Mr. Han, who is secretly a master of kung fu. As Han teaches Dre that kung fu is not about punches and parries, but maturity and calm, Dre realizes that facing down the bullies will be the fight of his life.

this isn't the work of some dork imdb user - it's the official plot summary from columbia pictures. china? kung fu? are we going to pretend this makes any sense?

also, the al-tipper separation counts as a death of sorts, no?

don't stop thinking about tomorrow

a little more girth, a little less hair, a lot more gray...but they're back! nostalgia ensues...

picture it, you're 14 and kicking back a crystal pepsi in vancouver. some chubby southern guy running for president decides to don sunglasses and play the saxophone on arsenio hall. yes indeed, black people who are not the president are featured regularly on television during this crazy time. your school plays "smells like teen spirit" during the winter dance (the "snow ball") and all the plaid-clad white kids start screaming and smashing into one another while most of the asian kids decide to sit this one out. you don't know what to do, so you start bumping into other kids, too, despite lacking the requisite outfit and, erm, pigmentation.

oooooooooooh don't you look baaaaaack...

Live Earth

So, I watched about 12 minutes of Bravo's 18 hour broadcast of Live Earth, and am obviously going to issue the final word on the event. Yeah, yeah, I heard the Arctic Monkeys and some bitter guy from the 80's have decried the concert's complete lack of, umm, goals, direction, internal logic, etc., but I'm for it: for me things are important only when Kanye West tells me they are. Diamonds from Sierra Leone, Mike Myers' sense of comfort, global warming--all totally not cool. But I digress. But since I'm digressing can I just say, what's with human parental advisory sticker Tipper Gore being the woman behind the man behind the concert featuring Akon, Ludacris, and Madonna? So, sexual suggestiveness in lyrics is only a problem if you're Prince, or because her kids are all growed up and self-medicating, Tipper's got bigger tofu to fry?

Anyway, here's what I wanted to say about the concert: Andy Summers from the Police is rock and roll's answer to Oscar the Grouch on barbituates; Duran Duran blew the Police out of the water with their "Girls on Film" extendo-jam, totally reordering my 4th grade view of the world; and Chris Rock had the quotes of the night ("Who doesn't love James Blunt?" and "I pray this event ends global warming, like Live Aid ended hunger.")

Also, I heart Al Gore. For someone who says he's "fallen out of love with politics," he sure has a funny way of showing it. His original plan was to do the North America concert on the Mall in DC, but James Inhofe (R-Assholeville) realized scientific consensus is a Democratic conspriuscy and put an end to that partisan chicanery. Instead of going quietly into the good night/panrty lined with Krispy Kreme, Al pretended to capitulate, setting up a concert at Giants Stadium. But then--boo yah! (boo-yah looks only slightly lamer in print than when emitted from my mouth)--secret concert on the Mall. Next to the National Museum of the American Indian, and with non-Dixie Chick country stars Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood. Read: "Fuck you, Inhofe. I bring it with the people who were displaced when your forebears raped and pillaged their way though Oklahoma. I bring it with musicians working in a genre that for years peddled your bullshit. I'm going to kill your Republican majority and eat your children." That's how you play politics, and that's why Gore isn't yet outta the game. He's running. For real he is.