signs of the apocalypse

today i saw mario lopez on extra seamlessly transition from the kardashians' divorce to general petraeus to lindsay lohan.

 someone tell me it's going to be okay.

sha na na naaaa

why didn't i hear about this sooner? the cast of the greatest tv show ever reunited on the today show. okay, so minus brian bonsall, who apparently is suffering from some typical child actor issues. the show was totally genius and taught me a lot about reaganomics. let's take a minute to reminisce - my favorite moments of family ties (no googling went into this list, but you can consult a more authoritative source if you wish):

1) alex p. keaton and his girlfriend dancing to billy vera and the beaters at the train station before she's about to leave him. sob!
2) tom hanks as the keatons' crazy alcoholic uncle.
3) alex p. keaton mourning his friend's death (it may be his uncle's death. i may have to google this one). i think that one was a two-parter.
4) jennifer wanting to join the popular girls and constantly repeating, "like hi, okay?"
5) alex p. keaton takes speed or caffeine pills or some type of drugs to help him through finals. i believe this was the inspiration behind the infamous saved by the bell episode.

can we discuss the gimongous crush i had on michael j. fox? sigh.

Donald Trump Does Not Shop at Ikea

So, I just turned on the TV to look for the basketball game and came across A.C. Slater announcing to the world--or, at least, to Una Latina and her ilk--the Miss Universe finalists: ladies from India, Brazil, Angola, Japan, Tanzania, Korea, Nicaragua, Mexico, Venezuela, and--because, well, the judges know who marinates their steaks--USA were called to the fore.

What's interesting is that every single one of the ten is a woman of color. Knowing nothing about beauty pageants, and refusing to learn--as I've now switched to the Deron Williams show--I ask this: Obviously, the competition is sexist and antiquated--I'm talking to you swimsuit portion--but do these results reflect some sort of strange societal progress? Is the world--or at least Tony Romo and his compadres --finally coming to realize that the combination of white, blonde, and Scandinavian is for many of us the least interesting component in the spectrum of women's beauty? Is the majority embracing my ideas about the female aesthetic ideal? Or is this gender, race and sexuality intersecting in troubling and typical ways? Is Miss Universe mainstreaming the historical fetishization of female bodies with black, brown and other hues? Is that why the swimsuits are jungle-themed? Wtfuck?

The Price Is Wrong, Bitch (Again, I couldn't help myself)

Not content to let Jessie Spano and Screech hold firm to their shared title of strangest post-Saved by the Bell career move, A.C. Slater is apparently vying for Bob Barker's job on The Price is Right. Am I the only one who misses the days when child stars faced cancellation and cultural irrelevance with some measure of dignity?