"ed is with the ayn rand institute"

i attended a federalist society panel discussion today. yeah, i know, why. let's just say these are the hazards of my new job. and i actually overheard the above, which, on some level, should not even cause me to raise my eyebrows. except that it is so exactly what you'd expect to hear in this forum that i couldn't believe my luck.

oh yeah, the panel was on whether we should be guarding against the infiltration of sharia law in america. i won't even bother with the arguments that were presented. that mess was predictable, too.

but that all ties into the actual theme of this post, since i know this blog is not your source for legal arguments / hard news (and if it is, you are awfully patient). i once heard (saw?) an interview with louis ck in which he said that people without any doubts are the funniest. he cited donald rumsfeld as an example of someone of unwavering certitude / guaranteed hilarity. i'd definitely add bankers/traders/whateverthehellyoucallthem on that list.

i will cite two examples:

1. jamie dimon. this guy. let's see if i understand this dispute correctly. in a meeting of international bankers, jamie deez tore into mark carney (chief of the bank of canada and widely expected to be the new head of the FSB, which wikipedia tells me is an international consortium of bank regulators that issues, uh, regulatory recommendations) because the latter supports higher capital reserves for banks. this presumably would prevent against the type of hyper-leveraging of our pre-september-2008 banking world.

what was dimon's defense? that these suggested standards were "un-american." now this made me laugh. because, in my view, trying to defeat an international agreement by arguing it is un-american is possibly the most american thing i've ever heard of.

2. alessio rastani.

i've never heard of this trader and i'm not sure how he is qualified to opine on the state of the international financial system. but hey, i suppose talking heads are a dime a dozen nowadays. for whatever reason, i expected the bbc to have some standards. his basic theory is that you can't depend on governments for shit and the eurozone is going to implode.

ok, whatever, that's fine. i even overlooked his statement that "governments don't rule the world; goldman sachs rules the world" because, let's face it, it's kind of true. those dudes own everything.

however, his worldview did make me sit up and take notice. for example, "we [traders] don't really care how [governments are] going to fix the economy . . . our job is to make money from it." then he notes that even though history remembers the great depression as a time of turmoil and grief, some were able to make money from it. indeed, and that is an example of how "anybody" can make money from the current worldwide economic debacle.

wow, anybody? "not just the elites?" sign me up. of course, his definition of "anybody" is a clever take on the english language: "those with a plan," e. g., "hedging strategies." then he tells everyone to "learn how to make money from a downward market," and that we all should "protect our assets".

anyway, i often am accused of being kind of a downer or too pessimistic. well, i dunno. my newest retort is that i must believe in some form of human progress to have the job i have. if i were truly nihilistic, i'd brush up on my hedging strategies and join . . . a hedge fund. those guys have it made.

bonus links:

do you think some lady accosted michelle bachmann to tell her that vinegar caused mental retardation in her daughter?

chris christie and i have more in common than i'd thought.

depressing article of the day

i know i focus on a lot of bullshit on this blog. i think it's because real life can be a giant bummer sometimes. read this if you want to feel sad.

"victim of scammers now battling bank"
chicago sun-times
january 31, 2010

There's no question that Coleamer Hodges was scammed out of her South Side home.In a 2006 complaint, the Illinois attorney general office used Hodges' tragic situation to illustrate the unlawful business practices at the core of home rescue fraud, in which companies claim to help residents stay in their homes but then actually sell the homes to third parties.

Platinum Investment Group, Advantage Mortgage Consulting, Christopher Bidigare, Suellen Carpenter and First Chicago Real Estate Group were found by a Cook County judge to have "engaged in conduct that violates the Consumer Fraud Act." Hodges, 43, had turned to Platinum for help refinancing her mortgage.Representatives picked her up, served her lunch and, although Hodges is blind, had her sign paperwork that she was told was for a refinancing deal."

A couple of months later, I got a surprise,'' she said.She got a bill for $1,300, which was actually for rent if she wanted to stay in the home because Hodges' home had been transferred to a straw buyer.

All of the entities and individuals who were involved in the transaction are now barred from acting as "distressed property" consultants.

They were also ordered to pay Hodges $50,000 in restitution.But that hasn't helped Hodges.

The guilty parties filed for bankruptcy -- and Hodges' $70,000 in home equity is gone.Wells Fargo, the bank that serviced the fraudulent deal, is now demanding to take possession of the property. Attorneys representing Wells Fargo, Johnson, Blumberg & Associates, declined to comment."Since this is an ongoing case, we cannot discuss the matter," an employee who answered the phone told me Friday.

Natalie Bauer, a spokeswoman for the Illinois attorney general's office, said the office had conversations with Wells Fargo last week."We were able to successfully prosecute and put these people out of business, but that is not good enough," said Bauer. "The issue today is that Ms. Hodges is in a devastating condition and needs help. Wells Fargo needs to step up and do the right thing."

Hodges is like the "poster child for victims of predatory lending schemes," said her lawyer, Paul Bernstein."Wells Fargo has refused to even talk about refinancing or modification of the loan or anything other than throwing people out on the street," Bernstein charged.

President Obama has argued that since banks have benefitted from bailouts, they should be willing to lend more money to consumers and businesses.

Hodges has been blind since childhood. She gets around with the assistance of a black Lab named Bronte.Decades ago, her five-bedroom brick home in the 9900 block of South Princeton represented a huge step up for working-class African-American families. But today, job losses and the ongoing credit crunch have led to rapid deterioration of this housing stock. I nearly drove past Hodges' home, thinking it was one of the empty bank-owned properties that are burdening a lot of communities.

Hodges alleges that during an altercation with the straw buyer, he hurled a brick through her front window, which is now boarded up.Inside, the house is practically bare of furnishings, paint is peeling, and floor tiles are worn down to the backing.

When Hodges' mother died from cancer, she inherited the house."It is like a lot of situations that you read about in newspapers," Bernstein said. "She ended up in foreclosure, and the mortgage ended up in the hands of Wells Fargo. That's how I got into it."Bernstein said he has not charged Hodges any legal fees."The main thing that is upsetting me is that the banks have refused to even talk about the situation," he said."She does get some disability and has help from her family."If the bank was willing to work out something, she could stay in the home as opposed to having to move."

So far, Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart has managed to stave off eviction."Our office has been trying to work this out in a way that is good for her," spokesman Steve Patterson said."We've had social workers working on this since April, and we've put too much into this to throw a blind woman and her family out into the street."

Meanwhile, Hodges said she feels like she is on Death Row."This is just a painful struggle. I feel like I have one foot in the chamber."

jamie dimon appreciates your help

Last spring, he showed his irritation over the Treasury's requirement that banks raise fresh funds before they quit TARP. Speaking at a June hospitality industry conference in New York, Mr. Dimon read aloud a fictitious letter to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. "Dear Timmy, we are happy to be able to pay back the $25 billion you lent us. We hope you enjoyed the experience as much as we did."

wsj, of course.

we interrupt this good energy with some important news

ken lewis is doing just fine, thanks for asking. what's that you say? wasn't he in charge of BofA when it bought out countrywide and entered into a hasty and ill-researched union with merrill lynch?

labored sigh.

oh sorry, doom & gloom are usually c4ts's beat. now back to the olympics. you've only got 3 days to revel in the triumph over adversityness of it all. then it's back to paying scant attention to our completely dysfunctional government and summits that amount to nothing.

ok, i can't stop myself. have a great weekend!

it's funny cuz we're assholes

why did john mack, dick (harhar insert obvious joke here) parsons and lloyd blankfein fail to make it to DC to see the president today? inclement weather! uh ok, so there was fog in DC or something, but what, no amtrak? as wunderkind andrew ross sorkin points out, these dudes made it to DC with less than 24 hours notice to collect their TARP funds last year...these guys have like negative short-term memory.

on the other hand, this could be a net positive for us all. y'know, maybe we are finally at the end of the recession, since i don't think these jerks will blow off the president unless they were pretty damn sure they won't have to return to DC with their hats in their hands any time soon.

right? time to stop being depressed, santa!

everything is coming up blankfein

did you see this? i know, the headline is just so predictable that you couldn't bring yourself to read it, could you? can you really stomach yet another article about how goldman sachs is, in its own words (wink, nudge), doing "god's work?" how many ways can these assholes win?

last year, banks awarded its bonuses in stock instead of cash. everyone approved, except the recipients, of course. bitching and moaning ensued. [insert some sarcastic comment about how they're going to have to settle for X equally extravagant item instead of Y prevailing extravagant item.] stock prices circa late-2008 were in the toilet. government hands over gobs of $$$. stock prices appreciate, and what happens in late-2009? windfall! underwritten by whom? you, me, other taxpayers. how about a quote to drive the point home:

"And so the bonuses Wall Street received last year, billed as paltry at the time, are turning out to be among the most lucrative payouts ever."

what happened to the legal industry at the same time? oh right. this.

groan, moan, eyeroll, envy, exclamations of disgust, throwing hands in the air in defeat, etc.

anyway, c4ts, i think you should send ben sisario a piece of your mind.

john thain owes me (and you) $1.2M

last week i turned into some sort of crazy obsessive maniac who couldn't stop looking at photos of malia and sasha (pronounced rick warren style, of course). i thought i was being a touch more creepy than what would be considered normal, then i read the comments on the slideshow, mostly from people who wanted to take the girls home and buy them ice cream, misery-style. now that's creepy.

anyway, where did you watch the inauguration? was it you arriving in DC in your private jet? my office set up giant tvs in the cafeteria, which was pretty thoughtful of them since cnn.com just wasn't cutting it. and yes, i can confirm that a room chock full of corporate lawyers found the sight of dick cheney in his wheelchair completely, utterly hilarious.

everyone celebrated differently. this guy decided to bake the most, uh, offputting cookies ever (you've got to watch the video, seriously), some wept, and one person decided to let her hat do the talking. we've heard a lot about how michelle obama chose immigrant designers, like taiwan-born jason wu or cuban-american isabel toledo, but dudes, foreal, a korean-american milliner from detroit--hockeytown!!--made aretha's hat!

despite this incredible moment in history, the deprecession continues. and the princes of wall street again prove to us that they are complete failures in PR and they could care less about winning over the american people since they already have all of our money anyway. john thain attempted to break the bonehead mold by apologizing for his inappropriate decorating expenses:

The final topic is the expenses related to my office. The $1.2 million reported in the press was for the renovation of my office, two conference rooms and a reception area. The expenses were incurred over a year ago in a very different environment. Nonetheless, they were a mistake in the light of the world we live in today. I will therefore reimburse the company for all of the costs incurred.

finally! taxpayers, $1.2 million. thain, at least $3.2 million...and counting...

i'm so glad we're giving these guys our money

the journal had a curious article about a not-so-secret society of wall street luminaries that meets only once a year, called kappa beta phi. GET IT?? so clever, those financiers. dick fuld, stanley o'neal and bridge aficionado jim cayne were no-shows, as were former wall street power brokers john corzine and mike bloomberg. nonetheless, the dudes (and they were mostly dudes) still managed to have a good time.

now, i know this is meant to be tongue and cheek, and the members seem to be somewhat aware of their own ridiculousness, but they just couldn't fully stop themselves from appearing like total jerks. shouldn't these guys at least pretend to endear themselves to the public? how out of touch and offensive can they be? let's hear the highlights:

"I feel like the mayor of New Orleans after Katrina," quipped Alfred E. Smith IV, the group's leader, or "Grand Swipe," at the opening of its annual black-tie dinner last week.

zing!

Phi Beta Kappa's key includes a hand pointing at three stars that symbolize the society's principles: morality, friendship and learning. Kappa Beta Phi's key has images of a hand, a beer stein, champagne tumbler and five stars. The stars represent Hennessy cognac and the hand is there to hold a glass.

zany!

The group's humor is anything but politically correct. One crude joke took aim at Rep. Barney Frank's treatment of the U.S. taxpayer, with a reference to Mr. Frank's sexual orientation. Mr. Frank is the first openly gay member of Congress.

typical!

the article also mentions how the society inducted new members who dressed in drag to perform musical ditties, including the following, set to american pie:

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember

How the Dow Jones used to make me smile.

And I learned my trade and had my chance

The music played I did my dance

And I made seven figures for a while.

I can't remember if I cried when they pulled the plug on Countrywide...

It sucks that Iceland is out of ice....Bye, Bye to my piece of the pie...Now I travel coach whenever I fly...Maybe this will be the day that I die.

i hope so!

rescue me

some part of me wishes we can return to a barter economy. my socks for your pencils, or whatever. at least i would be able to understand how it works.

as the economy sank further and further, i took up reading the wall street journal, which i'd only associated with alex p keaton up to that point. the journal manages to synthesize complicated concepts like CDOs in a couple of sentences, while the times can barely explain leverage. moreover, the journal consistently includes sexy details like "On Tuesday, Mr. Buffett says, he was sitting with his feet on his desk in Omaha, drinking a Cherry Coke and munching on mixed nuts, when he got an unusually candid call from a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. investment banker. Tell us what kind of investment you'd consider making in Goldman, the banker urged him, and the firm would try to hammer out a deal."

nonetheless, i enjoyed (?) reading this two-parter in the times from michael lewis and david einhorn on the state of the financial markets. indeed, this is an uncertain time; so much of what we'd assumed was real turned out to be spectacularly illusory. although it is much too easy to reduce this debacle into the usual for-profit bad, public service good dichotomy, we discovered that the two worlds are rather intertwined and, sadly, the destruction of the former has infected the latter. we all lose.

in any case, i am completely fascinated by this madoff thing. the family drama - i don't believe for a second that his sons weren't involved; the sheer breadth - literally six degrees of kevin bacon; those mysterious women (make sure you click on the link here) i once read about in vanity fair and vaguely envied despite their equine features - was their dad involved somehow or is it all just coincidence?

our justice system showed its best side, as it let a man who, in his own words, perpetrated (okay fine, allegedly) a $50 billion fraud traipse around lexington avenue like nothing happened. then the prosecutors thought better of it and decided upon house arrest. THEN, yet another shonda:

The disgraced financier Bernard L. Madoff tried to hide at least $1 million in watches and jewelry from government investigators and should have his bail revoked and sent to jail immediately, federal prosecutors told a judge Monday afternoon.

more impressively, the sons turned the father in!

Last week, Mr. Madoff’s sons, Andrew and Mark, received three packages, containing valuable jewelry and watches, as well as inexpensive items like cufflinks and mittens, according to a person briefed on the contents of the packages. Within a few minutes of receiving the packages, Mr. Madoff’s sons called the law firm of Paul, Weiss, which is representing them, to tell them about the packages, this person said.

guess they've lost their fear of being left out of the will.

and what did congress do? hold yet another hearing, of course. as usual, it was chock full of pithy condemnations and self-righteous anger. here's an idea - do something about it. and that "something" shouldn't be "give away all of our money to a bunch of guys who made more last year than i will in several lifetimes." oh what do i hear? a legislator is coming to our rescue?

Perhaps, one lawmaker suggested, the term “Ponzi scheme,” named after the Italian immigrant who engineered the huge pyramid-investment scheme of the early 20th century, should be declared obsolete and replaced by “the Madoff scheme.”

yes...that's the solution.

sometimes i think to myself, will i ever stop being cynical? isn't it just an easy out? but this unfathomable failure of public trust - how is it that we are giving money, our hard-earned money to vikram pandit? to lloyd blankfein? don't you think hank paulson would've noticed if $750 billion had gone missing during his tenure at goldman? after all, it might have prevented him from amassing an $800m fortune. is it trite to be angry about this at this point? i'd much rather the government give my money to the guy i saw taking a shit in broad daylight on 8th street a few months ago or some welfare queen so she can buy that cadillac she's been eyeing. this entire meltdown has only proven that i haven't been cynical enough.

there is a breathtaking thought.

in parting, to the girl who farted TWICE on the machine next to me at the gym: not cool, man.

happy holidays

mo money mo problems!

dear loyal reader(s?),

as we close out yet another banner year here at interweb detritus, we would like to wish you happy holidays or "whatever you choose to celebrate," as my neighbor said to me the other day.

2008 was a crazy fucking year. the economic bottom fell out from under us; america finally got rid of bush and managed to not replace him with someone even stupider; bernie madoff made marc dreier look like someone stealing a kid's lunch money; pavement reissued brighten the corners and i'm probably not going to buy it.

like c4ts, i was going to compile some awesome best/worst of 08 lists but if you haven't figured it out by now, i'm fairly lazy. here, some gift ideas for the procrastinators out there. i always aim to inform.