Majoring in Miracles? Maybe Try Theatre Tech Instead

The space between one's thumb and one's forefinger.

Such was Mike Huckabee's characterization of how close he got to becoming president. In his own words: "I don't think [my parents] could've ever imagined that that better life would have included running for president and getting this close to getting there." Look, I know the guy ran miles beyond expectation, never had any money in his coffers, and generally equipped himself well on the late-night comedy show circuit, but when you lose the delegate count 1260 to 270, isn't that, like, a blood bath? Not even Stretch Armstrong's anatomically capable of expresing that margin. Shit, even Romney has more delegates and he retired to his chateau weeks ago. Anyway, Huckabee may be stupider than our current President. I thought this should be noted for posterity.

why are these white people smiling?

I Heart Huckabees Was a Terrible Fucking Movie

So, I was reading about the Republican debate last night, and I got to thinking about this old Onion article, specifically, as it relates to Mike Huckabee. I know "What kind of a country..." is one of the most over-used beginnings to a rhetorical question in this, the Age of the Bush Doctrine, but still: What the fuck kind of country allows a hard-core nutter like Huckabee (anti-evolution, pro-guns, anti-abortion, pro-Guantanamo, anti-gay, anti-First-Amendment, anti-stem-cell-research) to assume the mantle of the nice-guy, uniter candidate on the following twin bases? He can make a decent Chuck Norris joke, and he doesn't want to stab all undocumented Mexicans in their hearts.

At this point, I can't prognosticate as to which congenital liar the corn-shuckers are going to pick out of their teeth and spit back at our fat, dumb country, but let it be said, you won't unite me into your camo-wearing, Darwinism-denying, Jenny Craig administration, asshole. And, as for you, "liberal" media, yeah, I'm sure you're right; this time around the guy you want to get a beer with isn't going to turn out to be the next guy to put roofies in our PBR.

Speaking of rednecks, this reminds me: I stopped in a gas station restroom somewhere between Austin and San Antonio last week, and as I was engaging in my business, I heard a guy say to no one in particular, "You think in Mexico, they got bathrooms that say bannoh on top and bathroom underneath it?" As I went to the sink to wash my hands, he repeated this probing query into world cultures, and, I noticed, this time to me specifically.

Now, I weighed my responses. I could've said, (1) "Que, puta? No hablo Ingles;" (2) "Dude, look at me. Do you really think I'm on your team?"; (3) or nothing at all. I went with (3), but he kept on keeping on, and even added, "What the hell is a bannoh anyway?" This part I didn't quite understand. He hates Mexicans so much he's unable to logically reason that they would have a separate word for the very facility we were standing in? Shit, that's some hate.

Anyway, I ended up telling him, "it means bathroom, and wherever you're going with this, I'm probably not going to agree with you."

Then he lost his shit and slurred, "I'm entitled to my opinion!"

To which, I naturally responded, "And I'm entitled to think you're an ignorant redneck." And then I got the hell out of there, hoping he wouldn't spray buckshot into my face. Anyway, the point is, I messed with Texas, and it felt really fucking good.