huh what?

rush limbaugh has a place in nyc??

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Rush Limbaugh Leaves New York
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oh the hijinks of this barbershop quartet!

jimmy kimmel has friends?

i find sarah silverman to be painfully unfunny and talentless and i don't really have an opinion on her pudgy boyf jimmy kimmel. the video above is 50% funny and 50% something else, but huey lewis! i love that dude.

why are these white people smiling?

Happy Armageddon!

Hey, I need to blog again. I know. Parents were in town Christmasweek, and then 'Pockets and I flew back east for a wedding in Pittsburgh/to see if my new niece/nephew had arrived on the scene, but that's no excuse: Benazir was assassinated/bumped her head; Pakistan devolved into a riotous and blood-spattered free-for-all (which led to the destruction of, among other things, my aunt's car...while she was driving it); The Wire season premiere dropped On Demand; Mike Huckabee became the would-be-nominee for a bit, then started to talk about things not related to our Lord and Savior/love handles; Giuliani became irrelevant; and Will Smith secretly converted to Scientology (which makes him still more electable than Romney). Also, Happy New Year! Here's to hoping that nuclear holocaust/impending Chinese colonization/bird flu/Britney-LiLo-Winehouse's inevitable group overdose and-or suicide pact decides to put off plans till '09 at least.

I Heart Huckabees Was a Terrible Fucking Movie

So, I was reading about the Republican debate last night, and I got to thinking about this old Onion article, specifically, as it relates to Mike Huckabee. I know "What kind of a country..." is one of the most over-used beginnings to a rhetorical question in this, the Age of the Bush Doctrine, but still: What the fuck kind of country allows a hard-core nutter like Huckabee (anti-evolution, pro-guns, anti-abortion, pro-Guantanamo, anti-gay, anti-First-Amendment, anti-stem-cell-research) to assume the mantle of the nice-guy, uniter candidate on the following twin bases? He can make a decent Chuck Norris joke, and he doesn't want to stab all undocumented Mexicans in their hearts.

At this point, I can't prognosticate as to which congenital liar the corn-shuckers are going to pick out of their teeth and spit back at our fat, dumb country, but let it be said, you won't unite me into your camo-wearing, Darwinism-denying, Jenny Craig administration, asshole. And, as for you, "liberal" media, yeah, I'm sure you're right; this time around the guy you want to get a beer with isn't going to turn out to be the next guy to put roofies in our PBR.

Speaking of rednecks, this reminds me: I stopped in a gas station restroom somewhere between Austin and San Antonio last week, and as I was engaging in my business, I heard a guy say to no one in particular, "You think in Mexico, they got bathrooms that say bannoh on top and bathroom underneath it?" As I went to the sink to wash my hands, he repeated this probing query into world cultures, and, I noticed, this time to me specifically.

Now, I weighed my responses. I could've said, (1) "Que, puta? No hablo Ingles;" (2) "Dude, look at me. Do you really think I'm on your team?"; (3) or nothing at all. I went with (3), but he kept on keeping on, and even added, "What the hell is a bannoh anyway?" This part I didn't quite understand. He hates Mexicans so much he's unable to logically reason that they would have a separate word for the very facility we were standing in? Shit, that's some hate.

Anyway, I ended up telling him, "it means bathroom, and wherever you're going with this, I'm probably not going to agree with you."

Then he lost his shit and slurred, "I'm entitled to my opinion!"

To which, I naturally responded, "And I'm entitled to think you're an ignorant redneck." And then I got the hell out of there, hoping he wouldn't spray buckshot into my face. Anyway, the point is, I messed with Texas, and it felt really fucking good.

fancy feast

JESUS. look at that thing. i am getting depressed just looking at that photo. what are these owners doing to these poor animals? i'm not much of an animal lover: i like meat, i somewhat like leather and i sometimes think all those animal rights groups are out of their mind for not prioritizing the alleviation of human suffering, but this is just cruel.

but doesn't this remind you of that article about how your fatty friends are also making you fat? i'd like to see a photo of this cat's owner. but then again, how come jon arbuckle was so thin?

fat bitch

i was looking on imdb to find an apt headline for this post, but i think "batman or fatman" pretty much does it for me.

or how is "iceman eateth?"

what is going on with val kilmer? okay fine, i'll give him the benefit of the doubt. maybe he is gaining weight for a movie role. but then why does he look so sheepish?

but most importantly, what the hell is this? and why is val kilmer so obsessed with playing moses?

things i learn from my elevator

my friends are useless. this is a true cultural shift, people!

because i could

speaking of pimps, any man who can transition from this to this deserves to be called pimp of the week. we salute you, bill!

of course, which do i prefer? i haven't been this conflicted since the fat vs. thin elvis debate of the 90s.

give me a break

ever since the times recommended shallow hal, i have learned to disregard their movie reviews. sorry to rip off your mantra, stosselini (and RIP nell carter), but are you kidding me over here, a.o. scott. looks like someone is projecting.

pimp it up

sugarpockets just reminded me of my longstanding wish for her to pimp up some snacks. over the summer i stumbled onto this website, where (most likely stoned) brits make giant versions of their mysterious snacks. like what the hell is a scotch egg?

some of the pimped snacks blew my mind: the cola bottle, the tunnock's teacake and the all-american and all-delicious hostess cupcake. not to mention, look at that fool and his giant custard creme.

sugarpockets, c4ts and i tried to come up with our own pimp-worthy snacks: combos? milanos? in fact, most pepperidge farm cookies (i'm looking at you, chessmen) would be pretty good writ large.

on a legal note, the website was first called pimpmysnack.com until mtv sent them a cease and desist letter (c4ts, you and i can only dream about receiving such attention). the creators then changed the site name to www.pimpthatsnack.com. oh really, the "my" was misleading the masses? fucking lawyers.

teacher...mother...secret lover

ah television. often undeservedly vilified and maligned, my love for it began when my parents decided that it would be a useful way for me to learn english (not unlike madison - sqwak!!). of course, their benign, nay, innocent hopes, no surprise, had some unintended consequences as my amateurish game show and saturday morning cartoon watching metastasized into a veritable obsession. tv taught me many valuable lessons in life, e.g., an egg eventually will lead you to that secret party, fat dudes marry hot ladies and nothing's gonna stop us now.

when i see posts like this one i think, hey, i'm not alone in this world.

despite my personal philosophy that once anything becomes a job it immediately loses all appeal, i thought maybe being a tv critic wouldn't be so bad. then i found out you need a freaking harvard degree to make it around here. jeez.

randomtown

reader(...s?), i am feeling overworked and underinspired. and y'know, it hit me, if c4ts can have unlimited shoe-related posts, then i will not cease with my gawker-related posts. i should celebrate that which gives me joy. which do i love most - postsecret? this post about brunch? this train wreck of a post, which i simultaneously love yet loathe? i mean, it is terrifyingly classist, but how can you not remark on people whose weddings involve the following: 1) First dance is to Michael Buble's "That's All"; 2) Wedding song is "Unchained Melody"; 3) Guests made to sing Bob Marley's "One Love" as the couple walked down the aisle?

even though i now live in nyc, i still don't receive my new yorker until at least wednesday. i can't wait for this article. i hope it exhaustively chronicles his journey from tub o'lard with a fan to haughty manorexic. woot. and for those of you who haven't yet read last week's, definitely read the one about AIDS in south africa, joan acocella's article about the choreographer of edward scissorhands, and whichever louis menand article it was. otherwise, forget the one about chalk. snooze!

as a last tidbit, why do designers who push impossible ideals on us always wear the same thing? carolina herrera? tom ford? michael kors?