things i will miss about nyc: part 1

i went into a bodega on sat night and the proprietor, who definitely was not argentinian, was wearing a messi jersey. he told me all about how messi grew up super poor, had some defect that stunted his growth, is still only about 167cm. best player in the world and only 22-years-old! all in all, informative stuff.

i asked him, "hmm, but how come he has such terrible hair?"

he seemed stymied, as if the thought really hadn't occurred to him. that kind of reaction i expect in queens, where every 5th person seems to be on rollerblades and the men douse themselves in axe body spray, but i was in manhattan. not as fashion-forward as i thought, i guess.

i got a feeling

that this is like an anti-party anthem.



party jams by definition are cheesy, infectious and rousing. in recent memory, has there been a song that tried harder to party yet failed so resoundingly? everything about this song is so forced--the excessive autotune, a video teeming with party cliches (red plastic cup, hot girls kissing, overflowing alcohol, couch jumping) that manages to be incredibly dull, and these near-desperate party lyrics, which they neither sing nor rap, but semi-shout:

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it
like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF

Fill up my cup
Mazal tov
Look at her dancing
just take it off

it's just too literal.

waterloo

i totally forgot that it's time for the eurovision song contest, the annual seizure-inducing orgy of lights, choreography, and nonsensical lyrics. the thing is, i am fairly certain that the only notable group to emerge from this spectacle is abba, back in 1974. nevertheless, the tradition continues and eurovision is entering its 54th year. although 42 countries are represented, all the singers sing in english, sometimes to hilarious effect. this czech rap group's alter ego? the baroque cadillac crew. no, i'm sorry, baroque is the least intimidating era ever. okay fine, it's marginally more thug than rococo, but with so much history to mine, why not something like "the cossacks" or just go for the obvious, "the velvet revolution"? totally street.

anyway, to give you an idea of what's to come, check out the winning song from 2008. just when you are thinking to yourself, "why is richie sambora playing the violin?" wait til 1:53 when the lead singer for def leppard inexplicably starts skating feverishly on a teeny patch of ice.



apparently this dude is the frontrunner this year. i say if history is any guide, anoint this lad already--crazy dancing? check. violin? check. the suspense will continue until the finale on may 16.

so...what have you been up to?

i made a tribute to 30 rock. in the dark.



i cloned myself and made the worst video ever. because i hate myself.



then i tried to determine whether this video was cute, clever or just pointless.

breeders

i haven't seen that tina fey movie yet and probably won't, considering that she didn't even write it. anyway, i just read about this woman. holy fuck. i suppose you can check out their tv show. i love discovery health's idea of "fun facts," including such "fun" as:

• Michelle’s been pregnant for 135 months of her life.

• Average number of months between Duggar births is 18.

not sure why she doesn't have her own wikipedia page, while her husband (apparently a former politician in arkansas) does. anyway, i think she's 40 or 41-years-old.

discreet charm of the bourgeoisie

first, "mancations" and now "nakations." but all i gotta say is:

no

no

noooooo

god, i hope these people don't have kids.