sounds of silence

if a dimunitive ethnomusical folk-singer campaigned for a fourth-tier candidate and nobody showed, does it fill the campaign coffers?

Department of Tortured Baseball Metaphors

Check out Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL) on the Occupation of Iraq. Video here, transcript below:

Imagine my beloved St. Louis Cardinals are playing the much despised Chicago Cubs. The Cardinals are are up by five, finishing the top of the ninth. Is this a cause for celebration? Is this a cause for victory? No. Unbelievable as it may seem, the Cubbies score five runs in the bottom of the ninth to throw the game into extra innings. There the score remains until 1:00 AM, five innings later. However, at the top of the 15th, the Cardinals fail to field a batter. The entire team has left the stadium. It seems that they are more worried about next day’s 1:00 PM game at home than finishing the game at hand. Who wins? We know it’s the team that stays on the field. Arbitrary deadlines and a date certain accept defeat before the conclusion of the contest. It is our national security interest to continue to take the field and support a moderate Arab state. Leaving prior assures a loss for us and victory for our opponents which will lead to another extremist Islamic state.

Ah ha, Hush That Fuss/Everybody Get to the Back of the Bus...

A few years ago, Sarah Vowell of This American Life fame noted that peculiar habit some wronged blowhards have of comparing themselves to Rosa Parks (pictured) everytime they take a stand at their book-club meeting or refuse to let a car merge in front of them. What inspired her were these words, from the mouth of some low-grade country singer: "In France it was Joan of Arc; in the Crimea it was Florence Nightingale; in the deep south there was Rosa Parks; in India there was Mother Teresa, and in Florida there was Katherine Harris." Now, the insanity that inheres in such puffery need not be expounded on here--Vowell, a mighty genius, does it much better than I could anyway--but I wonder if there is a new and even stranger rhetorical-metaphorical trend blossoming right before our eyes. I swear this is the last I will say of the Duke non-rapists, but could it be that they are the symbol de rigueur for the injustices that celebrity idiots (or their counsel) think they've suffered?

• Consider the lawyer for gun-toting Coney Island legend and soon to be fired Celtic Sebastian Telfair: "It always bothers me when you punish a guy so severely before there's been a finding of fact. I think that's wrong whether it happens in Durham (N.C) or in Boston."
• Consider Tom DeLay, who really wants you to know that the shitstorm he set into motion is happening in Texas: "I’m presently under indictment for laws that don’t exist in Texas by a Nifong [disgraced prosecutor in the Duke case] of Texas called Ronnie Earle, undermining our justice system here in Texas."
• And consider the lawyer for Paul Wolfowitz: "I am very worried about the rush to judgment. We just had a wonderful example of that in the Duke lacrosse case. I have reviewed the essential documents, and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Mr. Wolfowitz exercised good faith and that everything he did was in the best interests of the bank."

Bringing it all full-circle, I will leave you with this. Prince of the blowhards Tucker Carlson wants you to know that just because the NAACP got involved in her case, " [t]hat doesn't make the accuser [in the Duke rape case] Rosa Parks."

my heart is an apple?

metaphors are tough. my freshman year my prof asked our entire writing class to write a short essay on a song featuring a metaphor. i chose "heart of gold" by neil young because, well, as an earnest freshman, the line "i've been a miner for a heart of gold" seemed pretty fucking awesome. i knew my paper sucked ass, but i had no idea how painful it would be for my prof to read them, as she decided to scrap the assignment altogether.

i've been linking more and more to the daily show/colbert report of late, but this one is a doozy. since c4ts and i agreed in a previous phone conversation that this segment was genius (although my sister deemed this to be too east coast intellectual), i hope he won't ban me from posting from these sources as well. [ed note: that emily person on gawker...genius]

i have admired robert pinsky ever since he guest-starred on the simpsons, but hearing a former poet laureate name-check a pat benatar song was something else altogether. and we all know that sean penn is the coolest guy in the universe.