Duke Sucks! 2010-2011 Edition

Hey, errbody. Basketball is back (almost), which means the haters are too. So enjoy the video above. Btw, Duke scored 141 in an exhibition game yesterday. That is many points! They're totally gay.

Music Video of the Day: Ron Artest, "Champions"

One of the things about Ron I've always loved -- and not to get all OG on the bandwagon jumpers, but dude's been nutty since 1997 -- is that he seems to have disregarded all hip hop culture post 1992. If you look at him in games, he refuses to wear his shorts baggy and prefers them well above the knee; he prefers Rodman-like hair dye to cornrows; he raps, but he eschews gimmicky hooks; And most important, although sometimes he dresses like this on talk shows, at other times he dresses like this (bluetooth and purple-and-gold scrubs.) Other things I love about Ron: He broke Michael Jordan's ribs, but no one talks about it; And he majored in math at St. John's. Here's his video for "Champions."

you are the champion, my friend

c4ts, i hope you didn't make it into work today bc you were too busy overturning cars in celebration of dook's victory.

and little zoubekia, i hope to meet you soon.

Road to the Final Four, 2010

Is the blog dying? Is blogging totally 2006? Should we shift this whole enterprise to tumblr and just re-blog funny cat videos? I don't know. But I do know this. This blog has always been about art above commerce. I mean, I could really easily turn this into another Look at this Fucking Hipster or Stuff White People Like, but I have integrity. I write about what I want to write about: Here's Zach Galifianakis interviewing Ben Stiller. Here's OMG!! THAT GUY WHO CHEATED ON AMERICA'S SWEETHEART NOT NAMED JULIA ROBERTS!!. Here's Owen Wilson's video suicide note for when he tries to kill himself later this summer. (Too soon?) Art, people. Look it up on Wikipedia.

I thought about writing another post about the slow descent into corporate mediocrity encouraged by my dead end job (and the women who love them). I thought about writing about how Microsoft Outlook only displays six entries at a time, and how that's frustrating because the seventh entry is always about that court call I didn't schedule. I thought about writing about that plaintiff's lawyer who told you me my client is "despicable" and "inhumane," and how I responded, "Well, let's be forward-looking, shall we?"

But fuck it, motherfucking Duke is in the Final Four, and I am so happy right now, I am seriously considering kissing, on the mouth, every homeless person who asks me for change tomorrow morning. (Note, I will not give them change though. Teach a man to fish and all that. Tea parties!)

But here's the flip side of Duke success: Already today someone has called me "smug ass" and possessed of a "silver spoon." This week I expect a white guy to criticize Duke to me -- a person who is not a white guy -- for being too white. I expect to be called a "faggot." I expect to be told I never got laid in college by someone with no ties to Duke or North Carolina. And I expect to be told that my team's success is totally illegitimate, and that I should go fuck myself. I get it. Who wants to be responsible for America's other sweetheart having to accept that Kentucky is once again a big failure pile in a sadness bowl? Not I. But this is how it goes.

GO DUKE.

The Candidate, The Bodyman, and the Bull

Obama, Reggie Love, Chris Duhon.

Okay, I've finally come around. I accept Obama as my Lord and Saviour. Btw, a convergence this blog-worthy comes around only every so often.

Psycho T Smells What Barack's Got Cooking

So much can be gleaned from the picture above--most important, the press corps does seem to harbor an indefatigable love of America's Sweetheart and secret Muslim-in-Chief, Barack Obama. According to the New York Times, during Obama's pick-up game against the Tar Heels this morning he didn't manage to score, and in the picture above we see him, having driven through the lane (past what looks like a lazing Danny Green, who's got to be worried about his draft stock now, I'm thinking), jump just a few feet from the basket to shoot, as National Player of the Year Tyler Hansbrough's outstretched arms greet him. Now, we can assume that Hansbrough--although he is not known for his blocking skills--probably rejected the shit out of Obama in the moment immediately after this shot was taken. I mean we know for a fact that he didn't score. And in the subsequent moment, after the likely vicious block, surely Obama's crumpled frame fell to the floor as he gasped for air through his charred lungs, and Psycho T probably huffed and puffed over him--white middle class voter that he is. Where are these photographs that I have described? Why were they not taken? Why do we see Obama only in a state of beatific, lane-slashing glory, his eyes a-gleam with hope. Why do we not see the aftermath? Why does the media go to such lengths to preserve this man's image? Also, sidenote: how much does Psycho T hate Obama? Apparently, they were supposed to be playing on the same team.

None of this would have happened, had Obama's bodyman (think Charlie from The West Wing) and member of Duke's 2001 national championship team, Reggie Love, taken Obama and his pick-up game to Cameron, home of the elitist Duke Blue Devils--although Krzyzewski might have yelled at him about capital gains taxes or something.

Duke Fan Stan

So, my boy Nick's brother, Peter, has put out his newest anti-Duke screed (above), and true to his nature, it's clever, it's catchy, and it's homophobic. Although there's some self-awareness here--really, why are hordes of Carolina and Maryland fans so consumed with Duke rage that they boost the ratings for games in which Duke plays unrelated opponents, thus ensuring that Duke's absurd broadcast dominance continues and little old me, out in the godless Bay Area can watch 15 to 20 games a year, no problem? Anyway, I know I'm just a "douchebag faggot who never got laid in college" as one Carolina fan put it to me at a sports bar a couple of years ago, but I support my team, and I support all ACC teams when they're not playing my team, and I think gays are people too, and I like a lot of mainstream hip hop, but I give none of its homophobic luminaries a free pass. On the eve of the tournament, can I say this: Go Carolina, go Miami, and go Duke.

Duke 89, Carolina 78

So, John Edwards is back on the scene (a little Where's Waldo?, but see above). But since he got his ass handed to him again, he'll probably go back underground. Unlike last time though, I'm not exactly torn up about his most recent loss because the team I support is vastly superior to the team he supports! Also, check out Gerald Henderson's sick block on Hansbrough. This time it was all ball and no nose. Go team! Sports are very good! Indeed!

Train of Thought

You know there's something to that whole butterfly-tsunami thing. I got to thinking about it yesterday with Jon Corzine's Curse of the McGreevo car accident . If All-American superstar phenom Lindsay Harding (pictured)--the best player on the best team in the country--hadn't choked and missed both her free throws at the end of regulation in Duke's Sweet 16 match-up against Rutgers--a team they had beaten by 40 points earlier in the year--Rutgers would never have advanced to the final, Don Imus would still have said any number of asinine racist-sexist things, but not the thing that gotten him into trouble, and Jon Corzine wouldn't have been misusing New Jersey gubernatorial resources to go play Henry Kissinger at the Imus-Rutgers summit, and that Dodge would never have run him off the road. And there wouldn't be Captain Obvious headlines like this one. And Snoop wouldn't have made me dumber just by reading his take on the whole Imus fake news story. Basically, if Harding had hit those free throws, the world would be a better place. Kurt Vonnegut would probably still be alive, and that kid from that show who everyone loves to hate, well, he'd be dead. So, basically hers was about the most devastating sports-related choke in history. Except for this one.

Hey, Look at Me. I Finally Came up With a Catch Phrase.

Billy Packer has been the lead college basketball analyst at CBS for as long as I can remember, which means his old-man surliness is as much a part of the Final Four as say Luther Vandross' One Shining Moment. And, oh, what memories Packer's given us. There was that one time, for instance, when he called Allen Iverson a "tough monkey." And that other time when two Duke co-eds asked to see his press pass at Cameron Indoor Stadium, and he said, "Since when do we let women control who gets into a men's basketball game. Why don't you find a women's game to let people in." And now the gem above. According to one random internet dictionary, there is a non-homophobic definition for "fag out," but the Internet says a lot of things. So, let me join the fray: Billy Packer's a homophobe, a misogynist, a racist, and a biased analyst. Put him out to pasture already, CBS, and give his job to Bill Raftery.

Roy Hibbert Eats Tyler Hansbrough's Nonexistent Children

In DC, this is how we do:
Georgetown 96, UNC 84.
Hoyas go on to the Final Four, where they will feast on Greg Oden.

Oh My! I'm a Casual Racist

I really like it when old people confuse casual racism with witty observation or old world charm. There is, for instance, that old lady from Arrested Development, who said to Gob, "You could charm the black off a telegram boy." She ends up choking on a piece of chicken. And then there's CBS sports chief Dick Enberg (pictured). During tonight's broadcast of the Southern Illinois-Kansas game the old-timey announcer attempted to praise the Salukis' Jamaal Tatum, a gifted player--a young black man--with a 3.64 GPA: The only C's he's ever gotten, said Enberg in chuckling disbelief, were in African-American Studies. Whoah! But he's black! How is that even possible?! Don't you get, like, a B just for having awesome dreads like Tatum? I wonder if Enberg thinks I should have done better in that Terrorism and State-Sponsored Violence class I took in college.

The March of Madness...

I have always always argued that there's a really disturbing connection between blind jingoism and irrational sports allegiances. It's not an original notion. I believe it was Noam Chomsky who said that we, as Americans, learn chauvenism at an early age--screaming at the TV when an 18-year-old kid misses a three-pointer, painting our faces with our team's colors, spewing invectively when talking about a rival team. Because our dad maybe grew up in Riverdale liking Joe DiMaggio, we come to accept as truth that the Red Sox are the devil's minions--literally, an evil wrought upon this earth. Considering we get totally worked up about something as trivial as professional or college sports, it's easy to see how presumably professional people in our government can say to the Pakistani head of state: "We are going to bomb you back into the stone age," unless you cooperate with us. Our team is better; your team is made up of an indistinguishable mass of terrorists. There is no gray area.

Now, that said, to know me is to know how much I love watching college basketball, and how much I adore my team--the vilified Duke Blue Devils. And as unsettled as I am by this fact of my character, I too experience an unnatural joy when they win--which they haven't been doing a lot of this year. It's how I'm conditioned. But one thing I've never felt when thinking of Duke's rivals--Maryland, North Carolina--is disdain. That's something I just don't get. I mean irrational love is one thing, but irrational hate, well, that should give us pause; no matter what the form. Now, my Duke friends might say that to love Duke is to hate Carolina. But I don't see it. I want Duke to beat Carolina when they play, but when Carolina plays other teams I wish them well. They're Michael Jordan's Tar Heels. What's to hate?

Okay, okay. Maybe it's all in good fun. Those of us who have a connection to Duke or Carolina can talk smack about one another, but here's a real headscratcher: What is up with the random-ass people who detest Duke and love Carolina, but have absolutely no connection to either? What is that about? Homey, you went to Tufts or Santa Clara or wherever. You ain't gotta horse in this race. You couldn't find Franklin Street on a map of Chapel Hill. But yet, you do things like this: send vituperative emails to the Michigan Law School listserv denouncing Duke, address me with homophobic slurs at sports bars when I cheer for Duke, and post videos on YouTube, like this one--from my friend Nick's brother, which, my lecture aside, is actually pretty funny--though the "you even suck at rape" line is stunningly uncool:

Quote of the Day: March Madness Edition

On this, the eve of the most wonderful day of the year, I am reminded of something former Utah basketball coach--and current ESPN commentator--Rick Majerus (pictured) once said to his colleague--and former Duke hero--Jay Bilas. At the Maui Invitational in 2005, a pre-season event at which all, coaches and commentators alike, tend to wear--what else?--Hawaiian shirts, Bilas decided to be an uppity bitch and sported a polo instead. Majerus' response? "Jay, only a guy who gets out of the shower to take a piss would wear a shirt like that." And with that, my final Four predictions: Florida, Georgetown, Texas A&M, and Kansas--with Georgetown--my first love, woman or basketball team--winning it all.

There Can Be Only One

Hey, reader, check out who got his letter published in this week's College Basketball Mailbag in Sports Illustrated. Given his previous work-- a college-basketball-related letter in the New York Times--Adil is well on his way to challenging his protegé (and fellow Washington Post alum) Sewell Chan (pictured) for journalistic supremacy.