choose your adventure

soooo...i'm gonna be a bridesmaid and the bride asked me to choose from the following dress styles. what do you all think? i have my own preferences, but i thought to solicit some feedback. yeah, i realize this is a bit of a deviation from our usual content. c'mon, at least admit you're mildly entertained! maybe not you, anonymous alex.

lydia

lyndsey

janey

daisy

camilla

sophia

speaking of clothes, i almost tried to enter this contest. thought it might be kind of amusing, y'know? i soon realized that even my love of wordplay wasn't enough to overcome the sheer vapidity of this enterprise. i did come up with some copy for the mary janes, though: "they're not just for school girls anymore. an old classic style is updated with new flourishes...just in time for your prettiest spring dresses."

things i learn from the gym

no, it's not how to do sit ups properly or exercise. i think my primary motivation for joining the local y was to watch the many tv channels it offers. i know, how can i not own a tv? surprisingly, i actually don't watch it much anymore and i even cancelled my netflix subscription. that shit just piled up and made me feel bad. turns out i'd rather watch "40 year old virgin" for the nth time than the greatest works of fellini. netflix E is quite highbrow and cultured, whereas everyday E just wants to hear steve carrell talk about making egg salad sandwiches. and bags of sand. that's a good one.

anyway! a few weeks ago i watched this episode of my super sweet 16. is this show supposed to make kids feel better or worse about themselves? i can't tell and all these obnoxious kids and their enabler parents are a little much. nonetheless, when this misguided canadian girl proclaimed that she's going to have a better party than all americans (btw - would any american ever claim this? even teenage canadians have an inferiority complex. it's more canadian than our pronunciation of "regina"), of course i had to gawk at her moulin rouge-themed disaster of a party. good times.

i also recently caught an episode of american gladiators on espn classic, which reminded me of the congressional inquisition on steroid use. i needn't state the obvious, but foreal: why is this hearing even happening? just take a look at roger clemens. the dude is almost 50 and he's twice as wide as joe perry! that ain't just fat. it's so beyond obvious that it pains me to know this is what all these congressmen and women decided to prioritize. mission accomplished?

hasn't this song been written already?

sounds awfully familiar.

oh well, i'm glad kenneth found something to do during the writers' strike.

anyway, this post on abovethelaw is really annoying. reminds me of all those jerk republican parents who told me in high school, "you may be a democrat now, but wait til you earn your first paycheck!" hey guess what? still not republican. okay fine, so i still can't vote. touche.

jimmy kimmel has friends?

i find sarah silverman to be painfully unfunny and talentless and i don't really have an opinion on her pudgy boyf jimmy kimmel. the video above is 50% funny and 50% something else, but huey lewis! i love that dude.

"i just don't know how kelly ripa does it"

this interview is with scarlett johansson (is she or isn't she engaged to ryan reynolds? i kind of miss him with alanis), but i ended up focusing my attention on kelly ripa. look at those guns! she manages to be scary thin and yet super jacked. i didn't even know that was possible. doesn't she look kind of hungry? her husband seems sort of like a himbo, but hey, they make it work.

that 30 rock quote reminds me that i had a very random celeb sighting today: jack donaughy's assistant was walking around my 'hood. i kind of wish i'd said something, but he passed by too quickly. btw - 30 rock is coming back in april! yesssss!

Stuff White People Like

You know, people always ask me, C4tS, what's up with white people? Well, I say, they're really into Napoleon Dynamite and Jessica Biel and Nantucket Nectar, and sometimes the males among them do this funny lip curl thing when they dance. But ultimately I just end up raising more questions. Now, though, I can just point people to this this blog. Numbers 69, 63, 44, 42, and 39 all hit a little too close to home. Am I too a person of pallor? Shudder to think...

lunchables

i was in montreal recently visiting my sister (and renewing my visa - did you know that you can transport a banana from canada into the US but not an orange (or any citrus fruits)? oh the things i learn from customs officers), who introduced me to this website.

now, i'm all for a nutritious lunch, especially one that is visually pleasing. not to mention that i start to salivate every time i go on this webpage. nonetheless, doesn't this seem a little psychotic? my sister seemed very inspired by it, which surprised me. i half-joked to her that she's setting her daughter up for disappointment bc that little girl is going to realize one day that eggs are not actually shaped like cartoon characters and that seaweed comes in rectangular sheets and not shaped like cartoon cutouts. then i thought, am i crazy for thinking this is a little indulgent? is my sister right? maybe this is just a way for a mother to show affection for her daughter and feed her well?

who knows, but as my korean friend said, "i never thought my cheesy korean side would say this, but making things tiny only becomes cute until a certain point. " amen to that.

anyway, in her defense, the woman running the website primarily uses leftovers, but just packages them to seem more palatable. and look at this lunch! jeebus.

A Day Two Dictators Would Die

In our wide-ranging coverage here at Interweb Detritus, the Pakistani political scene ranks almost as highly as bile David Brooks has to spew and references to 80's sitcoms; so, in the spirit of completeness, today--the day that Fidel Castro resigned from a post he didn't even occupy (because a guy whose stock and trade is drawing ejaculate on the faces of Hollywood teenagers reported him dead months ago)--I join the fray and write the political obituary of another dictator, Pervez Musharraf.

I don't have a lot of insight to offer: his cabal of yes-men took a severe blow in yesterday's election, and it looks as though Benazir's PPP will now come to some sort of understanding with the Muslim League and its once-bald/now-resplendent mascot, Nawaz Sharif. A new coalition government will form, and if it can cobble together the two-thirds majority needed to impeach the old Generalissimo, it'll toss him out (provided of course that he pig-headedly resists his political fortunes and sticks around for the ass-beating).

I could speculate what the future holds for a country that has seized onto-- Obamaniacally you could say--"change" as its watchword, only to hale back into office the two previous ruling parties (as some sort of Voltron-esque collaboration): one party, a craven cult of personality, whose fallen leader gave the Taliban succour, and the other, a divisive, provincial (in both senses of the word) joke, whose moronic leader entered a nuclear arms race and garnered Pakistan the title of "world's most dangerous country." I could speculate, but with today's news that the United States has already carried out at least one clandestine, unilateral strike on Pakistan, even I am not willing to follow my dark, cynical heart farther into the abyss.

No Spoilers...

...I respect the wishes of readers who are caught up in the early seasons of The Wire, so I will only say this: the young hopper pictured above, Kenard, tore my heart out tonight, but it's all in the Game.

the boundless power of the O

is it 80s tv sitcom reunion month? alas, oprah and her genie wish-granting abilities reunited the cosby kids on a very special episode of oprah. this is way better than idiot gayle being serenaded by josh groban. turns out even oprah couldn't get lisa bonet to show up. here's the clip.

there are too many good episodes of the cosby show, but here are some memorable ones:

1) cliff and clare decide to give theo a lesson on "real life" by taking away all his furniture and making him earn his money (monopoly money, that is) and charging him for food from their fridge.
2) clare freaks out on vanessa when the latter lies and goes to an out-of-town concert with her friends. clare repeatedly asks her, "oh so was it BIG FUN?"
3) the kids create a slideshow for cliff's (50th? 60th?) birthday called "things that are older than dad". typical slide: "fire is older than dad".
4) theo and cockroach try out for a dance competition. this was my first lesson in negotiation and friendship. there was only one slot left for a dancer and after the two politely told the other to take it, cockroach finally decided to accept. theo felt betrayed by this, to which cockroach replied, "then why did you tell me to go on the show?" theo says, "because you were supposed to say you couldn't possibly do it, then tell me to go on!" anyway, don't say shit you don't mean, kids, bc it will come back to burn you. lesson learned.

oh yeah, i ran into raven-simone whatsherface at a street fair in atlanta once.

Hey, this is cool.

news of the world

a quick round up before i get down to bizness:

i can't believe roy scheider is dead! did he ever pick his feet in poughkeepsie?

leslie nielsen is hella old! (and a great canadian to boot)

obama beats out bill in the grammy race.

Drunk History

what the fuck is david brooks yapping about - part 4

in this part 4 of what appears to be an infinite-part series, i again examine the latest and greatest david brooks column in the new york times and ask the question we've all been wondering: what the fuck is david brooks yapping about?

so...we find ourselves back here again and a lot sooner than i'd anticipated. or wanted, frankly. david brooks definitely has a distinctive voice, one which involves mysterious references and humorless attempts at humor. even the new yorker's shouts & murmurs column elicits more laughs.

i think the point of his most recent op-ed was to illustrate how you can (potentially) use educational levels to explain the democrats' 50-50 split between hillary and obama. i'm not sure if i even believe this thesis, since my very well-educated friends are split between the two. moreover, who can decipher what the underlying message is considering his convoluted words?

he tries to be all cute and wink-wink funny by presenting his column in a q & a format. i have the following questions for him:

1) who is "dr. retail"? am i supposed to get this reference?
2) what is he referring to in the following sentence? in describing obama supporters brooks writes, "They fall for all that zero-carbon footprint, locally grown, community-enhancing Third Place hype. They want cultural signifiers that enrich their lives with meaning." huh? what is "third place"?
3) i think the following sentence describing obama should have CLUNK written next to it: Have you noticed that he’s actually carried into his rallies by a flock of cherubs while the heavens open up with the Hallelujah Chorus? I wonder how he does that.
4) as usual, vast overstatements dominate: High school grads are much less optimistic than college grads. oh yeah? have you met me? my friends?

but! i actually found myself agreeing with brooks on something. i know. i should hang myself in shame and maybe change the name of this series altogether, but how can you not agree with this: "There’s a “Yes We Can” video floating around YouTube in which a bunch of celebrities like Scarlett Johansson and the guy from the Black Eyed Peas are singing the words to an Obama speech in escalating states of righteousness and ecstasy. If that video doesn’t creep out normal working-class voters, then nothing will." although you know he was so proud of knowing who the dude from the black eyed peas was.

anyway, i was going to blog about this real estate article, but suffice to say, how is it that a freelance film maker and his non-profit director wife are able to afford a house in fort greene?

impressions from the sidelines

no, i'm not going to write about football. i know virtually nothing about it despite my repeated viewings of varsity blues. yeah, i guess it's very stereotypically female, but i tend to blame it more on my canadian upbringing than anything else. moving to the deep south at 16 didn't do much to endear me to football either, i guess.

i did some sort of a research project in high school on apartheid in south africa. i didn't have a chance to visit the country and i don't profess to know much about the country's history beyond 1994 or so, but the project sparked at least a lingering curiosity in south african politics. the photo above is of a line at a polling station in south africa, which may or may not be from the first election in the post-apartheid era. when i saw that for the first time, a teeny corner of my cynical, dark heart melted. a little. let's not go overboard here.

anyway, it was really tough to not be able to vote in the 2004 elections, especially while living in a swing state. that same pain is somewhat deeper and darker this time around, as it is accompanied by an acute sense of despair and urgency. i doubt it'll compel me to move back to canada or something dramatic like that, but i'm bracing for a significant period of mourning.

yeah, i admit it: i think walnuts will be president. are we ready for a drug-addled ice queen as first lady? at first i thought, man that woman's had a ton of plastic surgery. then i realized that maybe she just looks like that. look at her daughter!

i volunteered as an exit pollster for a few hours in palisades park, NJ, on super tuesday. being affiliated with a non-partisan organization and not being able to vote really underscored my status as an outsider. the purpose the polls was to document any discrimination against asian-american voters and to determine whether we could lobby on behalf of korean-americans for broader usage of translated ballots and interpreters. i was pleasantly surprised at how eager most voters were to answer our questions. i never ever pay attention to surveyors and try to ignore them at all costs, so this reception was unexpected. moreover, it contradicted my stereotypes of my own people (as politically apathetic, despite my own parents' fervent interest in politics). yeah, i admit it: i was a little bit jealous of these (mostly old) voters. all these months of heated debates, excel spreadsheet primary pools and overzealous discussions and i was just a bystander on the day that counted. (or maybe not considering the myriad voting issues).

among the smattering of korean-american voters i surveyed there were no obama supporters, even though they were heavily in favor of the democrats. as one lady muttered to me (roughly translated), "david dinkins was so terrible to koreans when he was mayor...and obama is so young and inexperienced...we just have to get out of this war..." yes, david dinkins! apparently the last black politician of note in the tri-state area. as my friend at work retorted, "hmm, i can't vote for hillary because margaret thatcher sucked"? cristina kirchner is a more apt analogy, but point made.

after all this i have to admit that i'm pretty evenly split between the two frontrunners. maybe i give a slight edge to obama, but maybe not after that retarded video whose smugness still makes me seethe.

on a more uplifting and somewhat personal note, my sister was sworn in as a US citizen today and called to let me know. yeah i know, which sister. okay fine, one of my sisters. before i could even get the question out she said, "now i can finally register to vote!"

sha na na naaaa

why didn't i hear about this sooner? the cast of the greatest tv show ever reunited on the today show. okay, so minus brian bonsall, who apparently is suffering from some typical child actor issues. the show was totally genius and taught me a lot about reaganomics. let's take a minute to reminisce - my favorite moments of family ties (no googling went into this list, but you can consult a more authoritative source if you wish):

1) alex p. keaton and his girlfriend dancing to billy vera and the beaters at the train station before she's about to leave him. sob!
2) tom hanks as the keatons' crazy alcoholic uncle.
3) alex p. keaton mourning his friend's death (it may be his uncle's death. i may have to google this one). i think that one was a two-parter.
4) jennifer wanting to join the popular girls and constantly repeating, "like hi, okay?"
5) alex p. keaton takes speed or caffeine pills or some type of drugs to help him through finals. i believe this was the inspiration behind the infamous saved by the bell episode.

can we discuss the gimongous crush i had on michael j. fox? sigh.

Benazir, Epilogue

Of all the reasons that Pakistan is a bizarre place--described here and elsewhere--one of particular note is this: the most preposterous explanations offered by the country's standard-bearers in response to high-profile deaths of public figures (e.g., fuck you, cricket coach Bob Woolmer was not murdered, and, fuck you, Benazir Bhutto was not felled by an assassin's bullets) somehow manage to be vindicated in the end: Woolmer indeed died of natural causes, and Bhutto died, having knocked her head against the top of a sunroof. I yukked it up when these two theories were first offered, so I eat crow again tonight.

public service announcement

one of the most haunting articles i've ever read in the new yorker is now a play. george packer continues to impress.

the video reminds me: what's with the oscar curse for actresses? e.g. helen hunt, halle berry, marisa tomei (remember her?), gwyneth paltrow (well, i am kind of glad about this one), etc.?

Duke 89, Carolina 78

So, John Edwards is back on the scene (a little Where's Waldo?, but see above). But since he got his ass handed to him again, he'll probably go back underground. Unlike last time though, I'm not exactly torn up about his most recent loss because the team I support is vastly superior to the team he supports! Also, check out Gerald Henderson's sick block on Hansbrough. This time it was all ball and no nose. Go team! Sports are very good! Indeed!

A Death Row Pardon Two Minutes Too Late

I was going to mention that while cancer is never funny--never--isn't it just a little Alannis Morissette that the guy who married the Noxzema girl got skin cancer? But then my attention was drawn to the newly acquired facial hair of our country's most notable politicians of Mexican extraction. (Actually, I say "newly acquired," but I don't know when Fredo got his cookie duster.) The comments page is open for you to discuss their new relative sexiness. Or not.

Separated at Birth: There Will Be Paella

Genius, auteur, master of the masterpiece-undermining gimmick ending (spoiler! sort of), one-time paramour of the magnificent Fiona Apple, Paul Thomas Anderson, and newest LA Laker, former Memphis Grizzly, grizzled Spaniard, Pao Gasol.

neocon fashion show part 2

Hail to the Redskins

At the risk of alienating readers on this, the biggest day of Primary Season, the Fashion Week -- dare I say -- the Puppy Bowl of American electoral politics, I feel compelled to say a word about professional sports: I lived in New York City for several years, during the waning days of the Yankees empire and I don't recall for the life of me encountering anyone who cared about football. I taught in an elementary school in the Bronx for three years and never once had occasion to toss a football to a kid during recess; yet today the Giants are feted on the streets of Manhattan and their perpetually vexed quarterback has come to assume an unearned place in the mythos of the game. New York, I love you, but stop with the bullshit.

The Giants play in New Jersey. The entire team, with the exception of one player, lives in New Jersey (now that the vilified, contrarian Tiki Barber has retired). Of course, there are practical explanations for these two facts --ones having mainly to do with space -- but it stands to reason that in a city rife with handball and basketball courts, concrete and earth-formed baseball diamonds, football and football players have no place. Even the Jets, who make a far better case for being New York's team and whose cause won the backing of the skilled Mr. Bloomberg, couldn't wrangle a football stadium out of the chagrined local populace. New York, clearly, is not a football town.

And what about the quarterback, Eli Manning (pictured above)? Some say he has been vindicated and that his various doubters are now silenced, but what game were these people watching on Sunday? I saw a slight young man who put up decent statistics -- but hardly iconic ones -- get bailed out by a trio of gifted wide receivers and a defensive line hell-bent on destroying Tom Brady's mortal soul. On a day when a hero of my youth, Doug Williams, was chosen to present the Lombardi trophy, reminding us anew the raw deal black quarterbacks used to get, an insanely hyped white quarterback vaulted to glory -- surprise, surprise -- on the shoulders of black players.

In the pivotal offensive play of the game, Manning -- lucky as hell -- squirmed his way out of a sack and put up an ill-advised prayer to a well-covered David Tyree. Tyree managed to secure the ball away from his defender, trap it against his helmet, fall backwards, roll over, and somehow not lose possession. This was a spectacular play...for Tyree. Is there room for him in the pantheon? Maybe. Maybe not. One of the greatest plays in football history is The Catch in the 1982 NFC Championship game. Everyone knows Joe Montana threw it, but how many people remember it was Dwight Clark who caught it?

As for the game I was watching on Sunday, it was won on defense: the Patriots were held to 17 points, 140 yards fewer than usual, due in no small part to the Giants' unsung Justin Tuck, who had six tackles, two sacks and a forced fumble. For his services, he got one MVP vote out of 20. Eli Manning got 16 and a half. Justin Tuck won the game for the Giants. How many people will remember him?

So, I used to think the hardest decision facing me these days was between two candidates whose popularity befuddles me. Then I saw the video above and realized the harder decision is this: which smug hack-MC , will.i.am or Common, finally pushes me over the edge to vote for Mike Gravel?