Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You Either Smoke, or You Get Smoked, and You Got Smoked

One goes through an underwater treasure trove of emotions on turning 30. This blog has been testament to that fact, but what they don't tell one (haha -- I am the butler from Remains of the Day) is that 31 follows and, no kidding around, that's for real old. There's no treasure trove of emotions to go through at 31. It's the real deal, and it doesn't even merit a blog post, but you know me, raging against the dying of the light and all that.

Next month I turn 31, and now I know for an incontrovertible fact, that I will never play professional sports and have the chance to inject anabolic steroids into my buttocks. I will never start a band, so if I mainline Jack Daniels, it's just a sad cry for help. And I have no business weighing in on the looks/existences of teenage starlets (hahaha -- just kidding; Miley Cyrus looks like a supremely caffeintated troll and has all the talent of a Speak & Spell; whereas Evan Rachel Wood is smoking hot and hates her parents like they were axe murderers). Anyway, 31, which I turn in a few weeks, not 30, is where the existential crisis ends. I am growing old, and I know it, but it's okay.

Still, this past weekend, as I took a walk around Oakland with blog reader Thumbu Sammy, my physical decreptitude was brought to my attention in a way that was, well, not so okay. We passed by a kid at at the bus stop, some sullen teenager, who asked me for 50 cents. I said, "Sorry, man," and as I walked away felt a torrent of rage: "You ain't got 50 cents?! You ain't got 50 cents, Rasheed Wallace bald-spot-having motherfucker?!"

I got clowned. I got clowned for being old and for suffering one consequence of age, but what's worse is that 'Sheed, picture of virility and all things manly, got clowned too. We got clowned by some kid who didn't even have bus fare.


Thumbu Sammy said...

That kid was clearly a disheartened Warriors fan, 'cause the real comparison is the majestically bearded Baron Davis, who - like you - walked away.

E said...

rasheed wallace?

can we convert this reference to something from 1994?

Collin said...

Please tell me you were also wearing a headband?! Also please note that Rasheed Wallace changed his number to #30 this season, so now he is forever 30.

cold4thestreets said...

E, my bad. How about this:

I turned around, all fierce and said, "Oh no you din't. Here come the hotstepper! I'm the daddy of the mac daddy."

Then he threw a Starter cap at me with the tag still on it. Sheneneh Jenkins happened to walk by, and was all like, "Oh my goo'ness." But we squashed it, like Brandon Walsh taught us. Thumbu threw on some Kid N' Play on his boombox and pretty soon the kid and I were doing the kick step like we were in House Party.