Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Luckiest Dreamers Who Never Quit Dreamin'
In the final season of the hit ABC comedy program Growing Pains constant fuck-up and born-again Rapture looking-forwarder Mike Seaver took in a homeless boy. In the biz --the biz of nostalgic blogging about hit 80's comedy programs-- this is called a game-changer. A last, desperate stab at ratings gold. a misguided attempt at keeping it fresh and/or jiggy. Holler at me, Michael Steele!
Anyway, the trick didn't work. We didn't buy it, and we had already had it with the potential game-changing introduction of new Seaver child Chrissy. So Growing Pains gave way to the ungodly TV crimes of the 1990s. See Bud Bundy. The Seavers packed up the house and moved to DC, off-screen. But who was that poorly orphan? Who was he? Who was he? Leonardo DiMotherfuckingCaprio. Knowledge, son.
And so it is with life at _______ Consulting Group. Things were getting a little dull. Abigail wore astro-turf colored flats with a funeral director's get-up the other day, and it barely registered with me. Same thing, day in, day out. But then this week they brought in a gamechanger. Just to keep me entertained.
You see, the thing is, Lindsay Poohands is the world's worst salesman ("Hey, it's Lindsay Poohands from _____ Consulting Group. What's the 411?"). He needed help. Badly. The other day I saw him in the breakroom, where he was munching on a half-dozen hardboiled eggs and sipping on some joe, and I thought seriously about smacking the cup of coffee out of his hands. Coffee's for closers, Poohands! Good thing I didn't because they brought in a new salesguy, Buck, and gave him an office (even though Poohands toils in a cube around the corner from mine). Now there's much potential for treachery and professional jealousy. It's going to be like having HBO at work.
And here's an added twist: On Buck's first day, he walked up to me and introduced himself. We chatted, talked a little about his recent trip to Santa Cruz, generally had a very pleasant conversation. So, Buck is totally fail. Between filling out tax forms and figuring out where the bathroom is, Buck didn't have time for the Eradicating Common Human Decency in the Workplace Seminar that is mandatory of workers at ______ Consulting Group. Poor Buck. He thinks temps are people too!
Fortunately, Buck's reeducation wasn't long in coming. Tessie, the office manager and one of the "nice" people at the job, took Buck around to "meet everyone." I had told Adam about Buck and how normal he is. He got excited and thought we might recruit him into our Wesley cult. As Tessie took him around, Adam started sprucing up his cube, so that Wesley would be in full, unobstructed view. Tessie took Buck to Abigail, and he asked her if she was "a reviewer too, like cold4thestreets." No. I'm a senior consultant, snorted Leprechaun feet. Poor Buck. No recovering from that. And then our turn came. Tessie walked Buck right past us and back to his office. Silly Buck, you're one of us now. You don't have to talk to the help.