Wednesday, November 3, 2010

(This Is Not My Post on) Tea Party Horsemen of the Apocalypse as Characters from The Wire

I watched the election returns tonight on MSNBC, except for a brief interlude spent watching CNN on the treadmill. I don't know what kind of weird, non-partisan television policy the Y has going on--there's no Fox News there either--but it made for a really stupefying and frustrating jog. Putting aside the fact that Wolf Blitzer is actually a very stupid robot who's managed to grow human facial hair and who talks only in nonsense tautologies and regurgitated political platitudes--putting that aside, they have a small, banana republic for a political panel. I mean, there were maybe a hundred and forty-two people on their election team. At some point a mustachioed fellow yelled at Donna Brazile for making the incredibly pedestrian point that voters throw out the incumbent party during times of economic peril. There was a lot of "Let me finish my point! and "You were finished!!"in their exchange. I know you're supposed to pick motivational music when you go running to get that adrenaline going. I didn't and on the one hand, watching CNN kind of dulled my senses and physical capabilities, but on the other, nothing has made me want to run, full speed, to Vancouver as much as that broadcast. But I digress.

This is the post where I'm supposed to talk about how all the Tea Partying shitbags are like characters from The Wire. But here's the two-fold problem. 1) Sharon Angle and Christine O'Donnell both lost; Joe Miller is, at this moment, losing to "Write-In Votes." And this means I've lost some of my motivation. 2) I like the characters from The Wire too much apparently. I mean, as I was thinking about it, as I was considering Sharon Angle as Marlo Stanfield, it occurred to me that that's maybe too mean. Too mean to Marlo Stanfield who is a maniac, murderous drug kingpin. Still, the mission is the mission, and, anyway, Rand Paul won (peace and blessings be upon Aqua Buddha); Michele Bachman (see video above) is going to vye for a position in Republican leadership apparently; and Rick Scott, a corrupt turd monster, once fined $1.7 billion and charged with 14 felonies for his role in fraudulent hospital billing, is--thank Jesus--looking like he's going to pull it out in Florida, which is still, still, still the worst fucking state in the Union. So, all is not lost! There are going to be plenty of crazies heading to Washington and to the state capitols. We can all rest assured.

(Ed's note: Oh, baby Jesus. Sharon Angle is on TV now and in her concession speech just celebrated the fact that the vast majority of her donations came from outside the state. Has a candidate in the history of humanity ever admitted as nakedly that she's the creation of out-of-state non-voters? To borrow from Matt Taibbi, there is dumb, and there is dumb, and there is Sharon Angle. On a personal note: I was really looking forward to a lot of racial invective from her in this speech. No such luck, but this candid admission re: being a total whore comes a close second.)

Okay. So, Sharon Angle is definitely not Marlo Stanfield. She's more like Orlando--dumb, dumb, dumb, stupidly ambitious, later incarcerated, and later shot dead. These last two things haven't yet happened to Sharon Angle. But hopefully she will get sent to jail for being so dumb, and hopefully she is also now (politically) dead.

(Ed's Note II: Now Barbara Boxer is on TV, being weirdly passive aggressive (falsetto "I don't think so's" and "mmmmkays" everywhere with this one).)

Now, it's very late on the west coast. The promised blog entry hasn't really materialized and this has become some kind of post-prime-time, when-the-ballrooms-are-all-empty liveblog. Carly Fiorina has gone to bed without conceding; Michael Bennet is losing, which is super sad, but maybe some votes will shake out for him through the night. And Prop 19 is dead.

(Ed's Note III: Some guy in jeans from the Bennet campaign just delivered a statement to literally almost no one that said literally almost nothing. This ballroom he's in, though, has a carpet with a really interesting concentric circle pattern. No one can take that away from this ballroom. Okay. They are turning off the lights and dismantling things in the ballroom now, but MSNBC still has a reporter there saying things.) 

So, in closing, let me thank my wife, 'Pockets, my daughter, 'Pockets, jr. Let me also thank all the people at Dish Network for giving me television. God bless you. God bless America.

C4tS out. (Go Bennet!)

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