Great Powers, Great Responsibilities

Okay. Wtfuck, people? First, Estelle Getty dies -- on the heels of my malapropistic "Let sleeping dogs die" comment referencing Golden Girls -- and now comes word that Morgan Freeman was in a serious car accident last night (in a 1997 Nissan Maxima) -- just days after I took umbrage with his calling me out for liking three-button suit jackets. What the hell kind of symbiote has taken over my blogging abilities? If Wilford Brimley dies today, I am retiring from blogging. I mean, I probably should anyway because my Wilford Brimley post, it could be argued, was really an extended reference to Alexander Solzhenitsyn, who wrote The Gulag Archipelago, the source material for Cocoon.

Don't Sass Me, Fuckstick

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How old do you think Wilford Brimley is? Seriously ask yourself. I've been reviewing documents to see if they're responsive to our the-law-firm-at-which-I-work's protective order while thinking about guzzling bottles of white-out from the supply room and ending it all. Well, not really. I get through these kinds of tasks with the aid of Hulu, Netflix's Watch Instantly function, and This American Life podcasts. Today, I've been catching up on a backlog of Colbert Report episodes, and he just now mentioned Wilford Brimley -- in the present tense. And I thought didn't Wilford Brimley die years ago? I looked him up on the Wikipedia, and not only is he very much alive, he's only 73. While that's not young per se, I would've put him in his late 80's, easy.

But it turns out he was only 59 when The Firm came out -- which co-starred Gene Hackman, who is almost 5 years older than him - and 51 when Cocoon came out -- which co-starred Don Ameche and Hume Cronyn, both of whom, were they alive today, would be about 100. Now, I didn't watch Cocoon, but wasn't Wilford Brimley supposed to be old as shit like those guys in the movie? Hasn't he looked old as shit ever since we were kids and Quaker Oats was the right thing to do? I think there's a really compelling argument against mustaches and oatmeal to be made here.