Grand Ole Party

So, with the field of GOP hopefuls looking about as presidential as a fresh turd with a "Support the Troops" bumper sticker on it, now comes word of a new movement afoot. A brigade of lobotomized zombies hopes to draft Fred Thompson--former Senator from Tennessee, and, more important, Jack McCoy's boss over at Law and Order (jobs, by the way, which at one point he held simultaneously)--into making a quixotic stab at Bush's LaZBoy. The actor-cum- statesman-cum-irrelevant-lunatic fled Washington a couple of years back, frustrated by all the pork barrel spending, which, it should be noted, inspires no argument here. My feelings about the fruit of the swine are well-documented in these pages, but seriously, a grassroots movement for the guy from Aces: Iron Eagle III? This must be the hubris born of winning a fictional election for Manhattan District Attorney in spite of a Tennesse drawl.

So, now, let's recap. Here're your other hopefuls:

• There's the guy who fought terrorism by looking at the burning embers of the World Trade Center in front of television cameras on September 11th;
  
• The decrepit guy whose face looks like its melting off in slow motion--the same one who's hoping that primary voters in South Carolina have forgotten he adopted a brown baby;
• The gay-loving Mormon: fabulous and decaffeinated;
  
• The dude who wants to be President because he thinks the guy mowing his lawn's plotting to kill his grandchildren;
  
• The Ferris Bueller of the United States Senate;
  
• The guy who fought a savage war against Bill Clinton for favors received from Monica Lewinsky while cotemporaneously receiving the very same favors from his own mistress;
• And the dude who refuses to pay $667 in back taxes on a house some lobbyist bought him in exchange for his soul.
  
• Oh, and probably Chuck Hagel, but Cheney'll off him soon--a little scattershot to the face maybe because, you know, Hagel hasn't had enough of that.

So, that's it, Mr. Gore. Go get 'em.